In 2024, I discovered this group called Second Generation Chinese Diaspora on Meetup. I attended a few events and enjoyed the discussions on various topics that explores what being Chinese means, especially in a Canadian context. Topics included dating, identity, filial piety, aspirations, racism, reconnecting with Chinese culture and many more.
Tony Gao started this meetup in early 2024. He initially called it the “Second Generation Chinese Canadian” meetup, but Tony has since renamed it to “Second Generation Chinese Diaspora”, hosting online events with the goal of connecting with more Chinese people.
Here’s my conversation with Tony. This interview has been edited for clarity and length.
Q: Can you tell me what happened in early 2024 that caused you to want to start this group?
I think the main reason is to understand Chinese culture in a bit more depth. I felt like I wasn’t able to relate to my mom as much as some others and I’m thinking, “Can others do this?” I wanted to understand their experience a bit more. And also just to meet some other Chinese people as friends as well.
Q: What do you mean you had a hard time understanding or relating to your mother?
She would talk about stuff like in the northeast (of China), how they didn’t have enough food when she was younger. And then those habits continued to this day. For example, she would keep plastic containers from takeout food.
In China, she was scared that people would rob her or scam her. She’d say this was very common in China, that at train stations there were pickpockets, but I’ve never seen that here. So again, I didn’t really understand.
Another thing was when you get on the subway, you have to quickly rush in to get a seat, whereas here people are more polite and let others on first. This difference in her behaviour and what I saw in Canada — I never appreciated all that stuff she did. It seemed like something not to be admired, almost petty, like, “Oh my God, I’m afraid I’m being robbed. I’m gonna lock the doors.”
But also, I do find it interesting to hear about her childhood and what she went through. The language was another barrier; I had to ask her what things meant.
I didn’t really understand her language and habits from a Chinese upbringing, but I wanted to. I didn’t think these things were necessary or made sense at first, but there was a reason—I just didn’t know what it was.
Q: Your group is called Second Generation Chinese-Canadian. Would you characterize your membership as mostly second-generation Chinese Canadian?
No, I’m not a second-generation Chinese Canadian. I think some members are, but many are 1.5 generation. I would say about 30% are second-generation Chinese Canadians, 40% are 1.5 generation, and the remaining 30% recently immigrated from China. But it is like split between second generation 1.5 and people just recently came from China.
Q: You came here at the age of eight and your identity isn’t in China. It’s mostly Canadian. Is that correct?
It’s definitely not in China. With the Canadian thing, I’m not sure if you can call it Canadian either. It’s more like a Chinese diaspora identity, because my friends in high school and in middle school were all Chinese Canadian. I never really had true Canadian friends, so that never really rubbed off on me. It’s like a Chinese diaspora identity, I think, instead of Canadian.
Q: But the interesting thing is that through this meetup, you’re trying to connect with the mentality of how your mother thought. The group has been in motion for a year already. How do you think the group has developed so far?
I think it’s been doing well. I feel like it would probably be better if I hosted more events in sync with cultural celebrations like Lunar New Year. I personally enjoy the discussions more, but I know other people may like other events, like going to festivals.
Q: Can you share how you pick topics for discussion?
Yeah, sometimes I ask ChatGPT questions like, “Can you give me some unique, interesting topics for a second-generation Chinese group?” But that doesn’t really work because it keeps repeating the same things again and again. They’re all stereotypical, like “experience of racism” or “have you ever felt you weren’t Canadian enough?”
After a year, all those topics have been done, and they aren’t original anymore. These days, I think about my own experiences—like the topic about isolated Chinese families. I definitely have that experience, where there are no extended family members here, they’re all in China.
The topic of taking care of parents is something I often think about. So right now, it’s mostly about how they relate to my own experience because surface-level, stereotypical topics don’t work anymore.
Q: So, what have you learned from a whole year of discussions? Are there any highlights you can point out?
Going into this group, I thought that people who come here must have something going on, something they are unhappy about. For me, it was the lack of connection with my mom. For others, maybe they feel alienated here. For example, Cindy feels like there’s a lack of Chinese institutions here. I think this still holds true—people come to this group not just to have fun, but because they are missing something in their lives. I really like that, because if this group can fill that need, I think it’s great. So, this was sort of a hypothesis I had, and I think it remains true.
Q: What are some of the things that you see people missing?
For me, it’s the connection with my mom. For Cindy, it’s feeling alienated and the lack of Chinese institutions. Some people, like those who dislike other Chinese people for some reason, come to this group to vent or question themselves.
I think a lot of people just don’t have a concrete idea of what their identity is. If you grew up here as Canadian, you know exactly what your cultural identity is. But in this group, I think a lot of people are lost—they’re missing their identity, they feel alienated, or they feel there’s a lack of Chinese institutions or closeness.
Q: Actually, can you can you point out some of the more fulfilling conversations that you’ve had in the group?
When people share their experiences with discrimination, I empathize with them because I went through that as a child.
Just last week, it was about sharing childhood experiences, just listening to others share similar experiences that I’ve gone through was really fulfilling.
I think the dating stuff is I think is more interesting and there’s more, spicy opinions like dating, fetishization of Chinese women, like the perfect Chinese man and stuff like that.
I think that those are fun and and interesting. So, people sharing their experiences, especially the fun dating topics, is really interesting.
And also I really like the discussion on the impact of the one-child policy on Chinese Canadians, because I think that has wide ranging influence over how over the diaspora. I think those are more meaningful to me because I connect with them on a deeper level.
Q: Yeah. One of the things that I think is quite interesting was how you relate more to people who experienced what happened in China (like the Cultural Revolution) rather than the Chinese Canadian identity with railroads, Chinese Exclusion Act and all of that.
In last week’s group, I think one person talked about how they were afraid to share their Chinese last name or a middle name because they said it would lead to more questions that they might not want to answer, like, “Oh, what does that mean?” And stuff like this.
And, yeah, I’ve experienced that too. The sort of “name shame.” You know, they tell you that an English name on your resume is more likely to be seen or or something like that.
And also this sort of shame about Chinese food or lunches with, ethnically Chinese food, like dumplings and stuff like that—someone talked about as well. And I related with that as well.
But one person, he was like, “Oh, I was unfazed.” So it’s very interesting how despite similar external circumstances, people react differently. Like, I think I relate to the person who is sort of feeling very oppressed and ashamed of Chinese heritage, whereas there are people who just didn’t care that much.
Q: I’m surprised people in Toronto will have this feeling of shame when they bring a Chinese lunch to school. Can you confirm that even in a multicultural society like Toronto bringing an ethnic lunch to school is also embarrassing?
In elementary school, I used to live in a very multicultural area, and there were a lot of Indian kids and Chinese kids as well.
Then I moved, but still within Toronto to another middle school and in Grade 7 or 8, there’s only me and one other Chinese kid. And I think at that point is where I realized the difference in what we eat and, but during high school, again, there’s so many Chinese kids and Indian kids, I think the minorities outnumber the Canadians.
Q: Is there are a correlation between the degree a person is a minority and their identity crisis? So what you mentioned just made me think, if you grew up in a more white area, does it also lead to identity crises? Have you noticed that among the members?
I think a few members have had that experience. When they were the only Chinese person or only one of the few Chinese people, there’s more shame and even more bullying.
But there was just one other person who grew up in a multicultural school and environment, but he sort of engaged in all the Western activities and didn’t really gravitate towards Chinese friends.
I think in general, you’re right. It is that like the more of a minority someone is, the more traumatic or the more crises experienced. But yeah, on the other hand, I think some people just react differently. They’re more westernized and they’re okay.
Q: What have you learned as an organizer that will help others reach success if they start something similar?
I feel like a lot of groups, the organizers don’t do anything. They’re just there. And then it’s like the Wild West where the popular and beautiful people are able to speak more and have more interaction because everyone gravitates towards them.
Like, I’ve had that experience—people don’t gravitate towards me. They gravitate to others.
I think one thing organizers can do is to maybe be more engaged in the group and allow people to participate, regardless of what they look like.
Q: Another important thing is how you run the group. Can you tell me about the details of your no-show policy and what you do with it?
Because there’s a limited number of spaces for the meetup, it’s unfair if people RSVP and don’t come while there are people on the waitlist.
So people cannot attend if they did not RSVP. You know how some people just go without RSVPing — that’s not allowed. They also cannot attend if they’re on the waitlist.
If they RSVP but they can’t attend, they have to cancel three hours before the start of the event. And this is there because if they cancel like ten minutes before the event, and if there are some others on the waitlist and they get bumped up into the attendee section 10 minutes before, they can’t attend because they don’t have enough time to respond.
So the three hours is to cancel, to give people (who are on the waitlist) some time to be able to come, if they want to. I ban people if they don’t obey.
Q: Have you tell me about the results you’ve seen since in stating this policy?
I think it’s worked pretty well.
In lot of events, people just RSVP and don’t show up. No one cares. But in mine, people are more serious when they RSVP. People sometimes ask me like, “Oh, I didn’t RSVP, but I saw that you still have spaces and I was on a waitlist, can I come?”
Just asking me that, instead of just doing whatever they want, I think is a good consequence of these rules and. Because there’s that threat of being banned they take things seriously. So yeah, the positive is definitely there’s a higher chance that people will show up when they RSVP with these rules in place.
Q: Oh you changed the name of the group (from Second Generation Chinese Canadian to Second Generation Chinese Diaspora)! What motivated the change?
Oh just to be inclusive of other diaspora populations. We are doing an online in addition to the in person events!
I already host online groups for my peer support so I’m familiar with the process. Also Cindy’s friend was interested in creating a online space for Chinese diaspora from all over.
Q: Yeah can you tell me more about how that’ll work?
It’s in the same group (on Meetup), and it’s going to be the same type of thing as in person except it will be on (Microsoft) Teams.
Online events are marked with the prefix “Online Discussion” before their topic of discussion. You can see the list of events here.
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